Its around this time, every year, when I get into this strange kind of mood- Highly sensitive and equally numb…. Just words and visuals echoing in my ears and flashing in my eyes….
Been three years now, and it is as if my biological clock is programmed to work that way…. I may not remember the dates, I may not remember the day or time, yet at this specific moment, every year, the same demons resurface… Depression, anger, regrets, pain and so much more…. And it is because of these things that I realize it is Nov 26th today- The day I last spoke to my most beloved mother; in anger, assuming she had no time to wish me a day before for my wedding anniversary. I threw a tantrum and hung up the phone on her, thinking she would call back, which she never did, because the angels from heaven never gave her the chance to.
The next thing I remember is the call from my sister asking if I spoke to Ammi (mother). And then a never ending series of events, that just lead to the one incident,which left a hole in my heart, the size of Jupiter, and the characteristics of Sun– centre, burning, hurting, painful.
She was my mentor, my guide, my teacher, my fashion designer, my critique, my guard, the best cook in the world(That now I am called by mine), my best friend to the extent that I never had any best friend, never needed one in her presence. My first love and I was her pride-her blue eyed baby. My siblings would complain that even the love you have for the rest of us is not equal to the love you have for Amber alone. Lucky me! Her love for me was so deep and profound that she never even discussed her 3 year long battle with Adenocarcinoma and the effects of it on her beautiful, short life of just 51 years, as she knew it would worry me.
She cared enough to make sure I keep getting the same love by sending me her replica in the form of a special angel.
No words I say or write can ever put the pain in words. Thinking of her still makes me feel like a child in need of a warm hug from her mother!
Needless to say her absence makes even the happiest of moments, the saddest.
May she rest in peace in the best gardens of Jannah(Heaven)- Aameen
On her 3rd death anniversary….